Podcast: Habits Under Pressure, Journaling, and Writing Anyway with Christoph Merrill
hosted by Sue Campbell
In 2015, Christoph Merrill had everything from the outside: the career, the family, the money. But something was deeply wrong. In a moment of crisis, seconds before everything would have changed forever, a single thought stopped him cold: You haven't written the note to your kids for the last time. That one small habit—leaving notes for his children when he traveled—pulled him back from the edge.
In this episode, Christoph (who calls himself "The Habit Freak") shares why most habit advice fails the moment life gets hard, and how to build routines that actually hold up under pressure. His core principle: habits must be tested, not taught. For writers who struggle to show up when conditions aren't perfect—when you're tired, stressed, or just don't feel like it—this one's essential listening.
resources mentioned
Christoph’s website: christophmerrill.com
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TRANSCRIPT
Anne Hawley: Writers, have you ever struggled with building a non-negotiable writing habit? Then this one's for you.
Hello and welcome to The Write Anyway podcast from pages and platforms and the happily Ever Author Club.
In today's episode, Sue talks with renowned keynote speaker and author Christoph Merrill, who calls himself the Habit Freak, about how he builds, tests, and maintains habits even through mental health challenges.
Let's listen in.
Sue Campbell: Well, Christoph Merrill, welcome to the Write Anyway Podcast. I'm so delighted to have you here.
Christoph Merrill: Hi, Sue. Thanks for having me.
Sue Campbell: Okay, so you call yourself the habit freak.
Christoph Merrill: I do.
Sue Campbell: I love that because it conveys passion and it conveys discipline all at the same time. So can you tell us your origin story a little bit about how you became the habit freak?
Christoph Merrill: Wow. I what a great intro, right into Habit Freak. 2010. I owned a company. We helped people invest their IRAs, their self-directed IRAs. In order to do that, we needed to get in front of a lot of people.
So we found a seminar company and we were like, okay, that's a good group for us to go share our message with. Because I knew I was gonna be traveling a lot. I kind of had an idea, a goal, if you would, of. I want to be a better dad. Not the best dad, but a better dad. My dad, whenever he would travel, there was never a note that was left by my bed.
There was never, and again, this was, I'm older, so this was pre-cellphone, you know, territory when I was growing up. So there was no way for him to, you know, call or connect or text or any of that kind of stuff. And I always I guess I just always felt if I ever travel, if I'm ever gone, I'm gonna leave a note for my kids.
I wanna be very clear. So I did not create this habit as some form of heroics. I never intended at a future date that single habit would ever do anything miraculous for anybody. It was just a. Simple way of me going, okay I'm providing for my family, but in order to do that, I have to leave them.
So I'm missing out on soccer games. I'm missing out on dance recitals or whatever it is. Like, how do I be a better dad? And I don't mean to like make it sound like it was kind of silly, but it actually was kind of silly. Because every time I traveled, which that year I traveled 42 times that year.
So almost every single weekend I wrote them a note and I, and at the time we had three children now we have four. And so it started as just something simple like, you know what, Hey, you know, I hope you have a great day. You know, I'm thinking about you, you know, something. And they evolved over time, but they were never intended to be anything like heroic.
Fast forward from an outside perspective. In 2015, if you looked at my life from the outside, it looked as if I had the perfect life.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: Was making way too much money, drove the car of my dreams. My wife is absolutely amazing. This year will be 25. I'm gonna knock on wood there. At any point she could realize what the heck did I get myself into and, you know, tap out, but I don't think she will.
And then I told you I have four kids, but I have three amazing kids, but I never answer which one is not because they rotate every day. But. From the outside, it looked like, whoa, like, you know, this guy would have everything. It seems like the, you know, there's nothing going wrong, but somehow, some way something was disconnected in me and I wasn't feeling right.
And I kept kind of intentionally coming up against the exact same wall every time I was trying to move forward. You know, I kind of had like this cycle where I would go, and then just smack it to the wall and then, you know, it would take me a little bit of time to recover and then I'd get back up and I couldn't figure out what was wrong.
And I was really struggling with that. And so I made a, a really big decision. Consequences were dire. And the second, and I do mean the second, before absolute chaos happened in not only my life, 'cause it would've been over, but everyone around me would've been thrown into chaos, a single thought ran through my head.
You haven't written the note to your kids for the last time. The crazy part about it, like thinking back, so I'm a rabid journaler, so I have, you know, a lot of journal notes about like, why did I not, I literally had the thought, you haven't written the note to your kids for the very last time,
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: it didn't faze me at all. I simply stopped what I was about to do, grabbed my notebook, which I always carry with me. And I started writing. And I wrote to my son, eight years old. Hey, I'm gonna need you to step up and become the man of the house because dad quit.
Oh,
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: still didn't phase me. Went on to my daughter. Sweetie. I'm not gonna be around when the stupid boy up the street breaks your heart. Didn't faze me. I got to my third child, second daughter, and. I wrote, I'm not gonna be there to walk you down the aisle.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: was kind of at that moment that I saw a little bit of their future
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: and I was like, whoa.
It was almost as if I was, you know, I was not in reality. And I look around and I go, whoa, I'm not safe. And so I had to call a friend for help. Probably the hardest phone call I ever had to make. And then I had to get help. And that then started me kind of like on this weird journey because I was diagnosed after a stint in the hospital of being bipolar type one.
And the definition of that, the defining diagnosis, if you would, with the stigma and the cultural, if you Google, you know, you know, people, you know, famous people with bipolar,
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: Most of them are not here anymore. There aren't a lot of shining examples of someone with bipolar type one.
And so in an effort to kind of fight the stigma of being labeled with a mental illness at the time. I don't consider it a mental illness anymore. I consider it like, basically it's like my very own superpower. But being labeled with that, I had nothing to fall back on, but, i'm gonna say the routine of the day. So before habits, right? Because like be before we get to it actually becoming a habit I think we establish routines. Routines are typically, like most people make New Year's resolutions, right? Like that's a huge thing. And most people fail by January 3rd.
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: And when I say fail, I don't mean that they like attempted and failed and they're gonna try again. They're not trying again. They've given up completely on whatever goal or dream or aspiration that was by January 3rd.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: And so I knew if I was gonna change kind of the definition of what being bipolar to me. Again, mine is unique. Everyone experiences life in their own way. I needed to start creating routines that were working for me.
And so in order to do that, I had to like write down like what worked, what didn't. And I almost had to like, I almost had to test everything. Because by testing my habits, by testing that routine, they started to work under pressure.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: Because that's when I needed them to work the most, right? Like, like the habit that I had-- and I call it the habit that saved my life-- the writing those innocent, sweet, never heroic notes to my kids. Most of the time I try to be funny in some way. Maybe I push the line a couple of times on being, trying to be too funny, but that was pressure- tested no matter where I was, no matter what I was doing.
It was almost a non-negotiable habit.
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: It just became who I was and what I was gonna do. And it saved my life. So, pursuing the world. 'cause I think writers especially, right, the habit of writing, I'm gonna say, regularly, it works under calm conditions. I think most people imagine I'm gonna become a writer, and they're gonna imagine themselves like in a writer's loft or a writer's cabin with, you know, birds, you know, I mean, just the.
The perfect scenario of I have no stress in my life. There's no calm, I have you know, I've blocked off three hours, and there won't be an emergency in the middle. And I think that most kind of habit advice is designed or built under those conditions where the moment pressure hits them, they fail.
Sue Campbell: yeah.
Christoph Merrill: We default back to our kind of, you know, a default operating system. Which is just the routines that you've established that you've felt kept you safe.
Sue Campbell: Exactly. I wanna pause for just a minute and honor the story that you told and tell you why it's so important to me personally, and I think why it'll be important to a lot of writers out there.
So my mother was bipolar and she is no longer with us. So in 2020 she made a different decision than you made, and it is so helpful for me as someone who's healing to hear stories of people with the same condition who are doing everything that they can, right?
So I just wanna really honor the bravery in that and that you are already just on this little micro level, and I know you do a lot of other things, but just for me personally, for our personal connection, you're making a huge difference. And you made a huge difference in the lives of your children, right?
Because one of the thoughts that I had immediately after she did this, and I was a grown woman, right, was she threw a grenade at us,
Christoph Merrill: Mm-hmm. She did.
Sue Campbell: And. I mean, I'm justified in being able to say that, but it wasn't helpful to continue to say, right. I had to shift that over time into like she did the absolute best that she could at the time with the tools that she had, with the condition she had, et cetera.
But I just wanna honor that story and say how. I am completely aligned with you on like that habit just took, that was automatic, subconscious, ingrained behavior that also reached in like, I believe we have these parts inside of us, right? That, that want to help us in some way. One of those parts thought the way to help you was to get you off of the planet. and the part that had that habit reached in and was like, oh no.
Christoph Merrill: Yeah.
Sue Campbell: I got one trick left to pull here.
Christoph Merrill: one trick.
Sue Campbell: Right? And so that made all the difference. And I think the dramatic examples of your story can serve a purpose for a lot of people in the world who are facing a lot of shit, right? We all have things in our lives that make it not easy. And one of my personal beliefs is that you have to write anyway. If you're a writer and you were put here on this earth to write, you've gotta write anyway. Just speaking to your point of like, every time we think we're gonna write when conditions are ideal, when the truth of the matter is, and calm.
And the truth of the matter is we have to practice writing in the face of every obstacle.
Christoph Merrill: Uhhuh. I say tested, not taught
Sue Campbell: Say more about that.
Christoph Merrill: So, so I think generally speaking, most people want to be good people.
Sue Campbell: Yes.
Christoph Merrill: I think most people want to be as healthy as they can. However, that requires some difficult choices. 'cause if I decide I'm gonna be, I'm gonna eat healthier, right? Let's not talk about weight or, you know, losing a specific amount of pounds or whatever.
Let's just say I, I'm, I've made the decision, the conscious choice. I want to be a healthier person.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: Then the day gets away from me and I end up feeling like a tiger chasing my tail. And you know, I end up running around putting out fires and doing this, that and the other. And I look down at the clock and I go it's 7:12 PM I haven't had, I had virtually nothing for lunch and I haven't had dinner yet.
And so they drive home. And what are the choices? Fast food. Fast food, which are all delicious.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: Like, like intentionally.
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: And they're fast and they're easy. And so at that moment, right, the choice that you made to live healthier, is being tested. So if you fail and you eat a cheeseburger on the way home, are you a terrible person? No, but subtly, your subconscious is going to throw you like, like , as much as that subconscious was talking to you about, well just drive over to, you know, Wendy's and get a burger.
Like, you know, it's easy and you can get a small one. You don't have to get a big one. And then, you know, you know, when you get home you can have a salad Uhhuh. You drive up to the drive through window and they ask that infamous McDonald's question, would you like fries with that? Why not? Right?
Like, I'm already here, like, you know what? I'll do a salad. Another that is being tested
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: for writers. Whoa. I don't like, like most people if it has not become a non-negotiable habit, it's that weird decision of, well, I don't feel like writing right now.
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: So does that mean that like, if you have made the decision to be honest and ethical, that if it's tested, you're gonna be like eh, maybe I won't.
Again, I'm not placing judgment here, right? Because I can tell you that I use that example specifically because I think most people say, oh, I'm an honest person. I have integrity, I have whatever. But I'll tell you, Sue, the moment you get pulled over for speeding, talk about tested
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: because we immediately, now we, our identity is actually threatened.
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: The cop is gonna walk up and do their job and say, do you have any idea how fast you were going?
Sue Campbell: Right.
Christoph Merrill: we don't want to answer the question because if we answer the question, then we're gonna get a ticket.
So we're gonna try to come up with all of these alternative realities. Well, did you see that blue car? That blue car was going way faster than I was like, how come you picked me out? Like, right. And yet. We're going to say that we're honest and ethical and trying to do the right thing. So if a habit is tested, not taught, you have to do it when it sucks. you have to write when you don't want to. You have to write on vacation. You have to write like, like I, I talk a lot about this. You have to assume the identity of the person the career, the, you know, you know, whatever you're idolizing, whatever you know, aspire to be.
You have to create that identity again. You get to create what that means, and then you have to live that identity. Now, I despise running. I hate running. I literally, like, I cringe thinking about running,
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: however. I admire runners runners are weird. Kind of like habit freaks
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: that take their special running shoes on vacation
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: and they're in I don't know, Jamaica, beautiful beach, and they choose to run, like gross, yuck.
Sue Campbell: Right.
Christoph Merrill: But again, I, as much as I have like this, like love, hate, you know, kind of relationship with them, I admire to no end the idea that they've already made the decision. It's not a question of are they going to run? Like they, they're just they are, they also are aware that they can't run every single day
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: because they're gonna burn out.
Right.
Sue Campbell: Or injured. Yep.
Christoph Merrill: Or injured or whatever. So here's the crazy part. If I were challenged to, let's say, run, I don't know, five miles, which, ugh could I do it? Yes. Could I kind of like puff up my chest like a peacock and throw my tail out and be like, yeah, like under the right circumstances?
You bet I could probably do almost anything. Would I be able to walk the next day? Because here's something that I don't know, I didn't know before I started like studying this, that runners actually know that there are more than one set of muscles in their legs. Who? Who? I know it's like this surprise, right?
Like what? 'cause. If you asked me to run a mile, I would basically just start off like, I, I don't, I would just start off running and eventually the front, 'cause that's where most people, when they start they, the front muscles burn out. Runners know that they can switch their foot stance to run on their heels, which then engages a completely new and different set of muscles.
Whoa. Then they know they can actually alternate between left side and right side, and that then switches the muscles. So you see these marathoners, and let's be honest, some of the marathoners, I don't know how much muscle they have on their body. Like it looks like muscle, but not a lot. I mean, they're not like, you know, huge muscles, but I'm like, how is that person running a marathon that fast with those little teeny legs?
Sue Campbell: Right.
Christoph Merrill: It's because they've tested, not taught, right? Like, 'cause, because if you learned how to run, if you learned how to run on the different muscles, but then you don't test that every day, you don't go run a mile on your front muscles and then alternate to the back muscles and keep running.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: Oh. Like, like that transition.
Right. So in, in the world of writing, ah. Well, I'm not feeling it today. Okay, so, so how do we still have like a goal and how do we still feel like we've accomplished something? How are we still progressing if we don't write? I'm gonna, I'm gonna be very transparent. Maybe you brainstorm instead.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: this is where you get to be really creative and say, okay, I'm not gonna write as if, I'm not gonna like, sit down and write and, you know, kinda like punch out, like, you know, chapter seven. But I'm gonna, I'm gonna, I'm gonna, you know, use the whiteboard and I'm going to, I'm going to map out chapter seven.
So this is what I'm thinking. This is where it starts. These are the arcs. This is the you, again I'm not the perfect person to, you know, you could answer this way better than I could, but that's still doing the work.
Sue Campbell: Yes. It's like you're touching it.
Christoph Merrill: want to.
Sue Campbell: Yeah. You're touching it every day. Yeah. Talk to me about, because this is something I try to tell people all the time, 'cause I'm a former procrastinator, like when I was in my, you know, late teens, early twenties, I was an absolute hot mess. And had a, you know, a journey where I was like, oh, this actually feels good to honor myself and do what I said I was gonna do and develop healthy habits.
I'm gonna keep doing this because it actually feels way the hell better than what I was doing before. So I try to communicate to people of like, on the days when you don't wanna do it and you do it anyway, there is like a really nice neurochemical hit at the end of that.
Christoph Merrill: totally.
Sue Campbell: So talk to me about how you feel about, on those days when you don't wanna do it, what are your tricks for doing it anyway?
And then how do you feel at the end?
Christoph Merrill: So, my number one trick isn't really a trick, it's a one word: gratitude.
Sue Campbell: Yes.
Christoph Merrill: The ability to acknowledge to myself. So, so I am someone because of my superpower have had to become radically self-aware.
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: I never wake up the same. I have never had what people would call a Groundhog day, because mentally, emotionally I would even say spiritually and sometimes physically, it's a totally it is the roll of the dice at the worst casino ever.
Where you are not gonna, like, not, I'm gambling everything and there's no point like it. I just, I so. Had to, I've had to figure out. So, I don't necessarily for this answer, I don't necessarily talk about a specific habit other than acknowledging why. if I have a habit that fell apart. So, one of the things for people that thrive or strive being bipolar is and there's lots of ways I'm not advocating one particular method, right? I use medication, meditation, therapy, group therapy, my wife and I, 25 years. Trust me, we've been through lots of therapy. I am a handful on my good and my worst days, I'm just a different handful.
I've journaling for me has helped all of these things, right? So I'm not talking about just one thing. I'm not saying, Hey, go be medicated and like, you know, whatever. Being radically self-aware, if my mood, if my mind changes, Hey, wait a minute, right? Like, instead of just kind of moving on,
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: I have to stop and go, wait.
I, and this is where the gratitude part comes in. I liked where I was at. I liked how I was feeling. I liked how comfortable I felt in my skin for seven whole minutes.
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: Okay, so what changed in the last three minutes? Was there a chaos event? Did something happen?
I'll use one outta my own life. If my wife, or a business partner or frankly, any of my children were to text me,
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: or call me and the message that they left, whether text, email, I mean, it doesn't matter how I get it, they could send a pigeon and if they, if this was written on the message, I'll, I already know what would happen. We need to talk,
Sue Campbell: Oh God. Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: My mind goes to nothing relevant. My mind goes to holy crap. When I was seven years old at my grandpa's he was teaching us how to shoot with BB guns. I foolishly aimed it at a little baby bird and pulled the trigger. And I have lived with that like guilt
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: for like, like even now, like literally I get emotional, like.
Because I think that's what they want to talk about
When they have no, like, like, unless I've actually told that story. They have no, like that's not what they want. But that's where my mind goes. And then my mind creates this like, loop around it where I can't let go of it. And so I will avoid that phone call, calling them back, texting them back.
I might fake a meeting. I don't know if you've ever faked a meeting. Again, my wife's gonna listen to this podcast and know game's up buddy, but I'll, oh my gosh, I a, you know, a client called and I'm not gonna be home for dinner. Probably you'll probably be asleep by the time I get home, and I will totally procrastinate that conversation.
So once I recognized that in me right, I recognized that the habit of being open, honest, transparent with my wife about like, you know, what's going on. Immediately I retreat, avoid procrastinate, like you name it, invent stuff. I mean, I will intentionally drive to Home Depot and buy wood to create a project to avoid having the conversation.
Sue Campbell: Right.
Christoph Merrill: And again my level of expertise at this, at that level of procrastination, is expert level. I pray that you don't get there. So being radically self-aware, pausing, and going, wait a minute, why am I inventing a meeting? Like again, this is real, this is raw. I hope this isn't like too far.
You don't have to share this with anybody. I share it with everybody because I wanna help people. I wanna let them know that like what they're struggling with, what they're going through, whatever that pressure that is being applied, is that if you create the right habits that are tested, not taught, so it's not something you read in a book, it's not something, you know, you learned on YouTube. You literally tested it day in, day out, day in, day out. That radical self-awareness of rabidly journaling.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: And not, where am I? Not, what am I doing? You know, what does my food look like? Like I have never taken a food photo. That's not true. I had a steak one time that was, I took a photo and I said to my family other than that, my journaling is all about what pressure was just applied and how did I respond that I don't like, like if I like it, I also journal that too.
What pressure was just applied and how did I respond? Ooh. I like that dopamine hit that we're talking about. Right. But I'm on the reverse. 'cause I think if you can look at the habits that you have that you don't like, easier than you look at the habits that you do like. So once you acknowledge, oh my gosh that text from my wife is what sent off the alarm bells. We need to talk now. I know she, she wasn't intending any harm. I know that she was just, she was 90% of the time, it's odd, you know, voice text as she's driving somewhere and she's, you know, she remembered something like, Hey, we need to talk. But she knows I'm in a meeting or she knows I'm on a plane or she knows I'm, you know, speaking at an event or something.
And so she's like, he can't talk, he's not gonna respond. So like, you know, she's just kind of flagging, Hey, come back to me. I wanna talk about something. But the alarm like, oh no. So asking her politely, is there any way you can stop sending me texts that say we need to talk, dot, do dot, and just tell me what you want to talk about.
Sue Campbell: about. Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: Because then I don't become alarmed then I don't then I'm not on edge then I'm not inventing meetings or, oh crap, I, you know what I guess I have to fly to Florida instead of come home. 'cause I don't wanna, I'm a, I don't wanna talk about that little baby bird. Her changing that, which I realize is an ask.
Like, that's a lot changed my whole relationship with her. In the sense that I was able to share a, what I was struggling with, but more so how she could help me. See there's a difference between sharing all of your problems and , you know, problem vomiting, whatever, when you can simply say, Hey babe, like. I'm not feeling great. Is there any way on the way home today you could pick up some bath salts? 'cause I want to take a bath 'cause that will help me feel better. That will. Right? Like, like that's totally different than saying all the reasons why I am not happy.
Why, you know, whatever. Just letting her know I'm not doing great and I'm probably gonna take a bath. But we're outta bath salts. Is there any way you could pick-- that direct communication one gives her an opportunity to serve me. To be of service to me that I think we sometimes neglect. So the gratitude element, if we go back to it right,
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: is when she sends me a text that says, Hey, can we talk about our daughter Blake?
And the decisions that she's gonna have to make. And, you know, it doesn't need to be long, but like, can we talk about grace? Can we talk about, you know, this, my first response is. Thank you for sending me the text this way. It feels awkward at first. It feels unnatural. It feels kind of like, why do I need a fa, like, because she's doing me a, like, she's doing us
Sue Campbell: yeah.
Christoph Merrill: favor. And she's not perfect. But for the most time, the habit of that has been tested and we know it both works.
Sue Campbell: Yes, exactly. I, that's. It and it works. So you keep doing it, right? It's like getting you the result you want. Sometimes people get annoyed that, well, I have to do that, and it takes longer, and it's like, yeah, but it works way better in, it's actually a lot shorter in the long run because nobody spiraled for 24 hours.
I wanna go back to one thing that you said about
Christoph Merrill: Yes, please.
Sue Campbell: you notice you go to journal and you notice like, why am I not doing the thing I wanted to do? Or why am I doing the thing I wanted to do? And that when people come to me and they say, you know, I run a program about goals and we set a three month goal and I coach you through.
'cause as soon as you set a big goal, your brain's gonna kick up all kinds of garbage and nonsense. Totally right. So it's like you, if you get coached through all of that, you start to be able to do it for yourself. So someone will say, Hey, I know I said I was gonna do this at this time and I didn't do it. And I'm like, great. Tell me what you were thinking right before you decided not to do it.
Christoph Merrill: Yeah. Amen.
Sue Campbell: Right, and they'll report back and say, Hey, I did my words. It feels phenomenal. I'm like, great. What were you thinking right before you decided to sit down and actually do it? That is incredibly valuable information and I love that the way you do that is journaling.
So talk to us a little bit about your journaling habit. So,
Christoph Merrill: So, knowing my superpower, right? So it, I, I have kryptonite that I electively choose to take.
Sue Campbell: take,
Christoph Merrill: I take one piece of kryptonite at night and one piece of kryptonite in the morning. I'm talking about medication because the element of mania is the chemicals that are released in my brain during my manic states.
And I have a long form where I can go weeks without sleep. Really scary, crazy because just physically your body cannot run at that like optimal level. It would be like running a car full speed, and literally like somehow having a gas thing connected to it and there's continuing, like a car is not meant to do that.
Right? Like, 'cause you're gonna, you know, the oil downgrades or whatever, but like, you know, whatever. So knowing that I have to take some level of kryptonite, which removes the positives on the high side, but it also removes the really scary lows. Right, like September 13th, 2015. That was a very scary day for me.
But a very monumentous day for me. So looking at that, acknowledging that, and going, okay, I never want to get back there again. That's goal number one. However there are days where everything can be going great. I can be really short, not in anger, 'cause it doesn't come from a place of anger. It comes from a place of kind of like decision fatigue.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: Where someone is asking me something. I don't really care what they decide
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: and they don't really care what they decide. So why are we talking about it? I, and I know that sounds horrible. I understand. But it could be my sweet wife. It could be one of my four kids. I have three daughters. I do not want to be sharp to them.
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: And so the journaling component is, in the moment, my response is not intended to be mean, but it's mean, it is not intended to be rude, but it's rude. It's not in, and I'm giving myself credit of saying like, I just, that's how I responded given everything that was going on, it still doesn't excuse the fact that dad was a big fat jerk. So, so if I don't acknowledge that Dad was a big, fat jerk, i'm guaranteed that it will offend.
I'm guaranteed because I don't stop. And again, I'm not saying like immediately, 'cause sometimes it doesn't happen immediately, but I don't stop and go, wait a minute. That was not nice, what I just said. And it could be the tone.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: a way with tone that I can say the nicest thing to you, but it comes across as if I'm the rudest big fat jerk on the planet, and it's my tone and I'm not thinking about my tone when I say whatever it is that I say.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: So therefore I have to acknowledge, whoa, wait a minute, and then I have to go not ask for permission and not ask for forgiveness.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: I wanna be very clear here, because this is one of those things where you can kind of get like stuck in like the shame game.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: I do not have shame that it happened because I cannot, in some instances, I cannot control it. I cannot it's like a car. Like I, I cannot, it's like there's no steering wheel.
I can't change direction. I'm just going this way. But what I can do is I can't come back and say, Hey I want you to know that dad was a big, fat jerk. I am doing my very best to not let it happen again. But we both know it is. So I just want you to know that I noticed it. 'cause I think oftentimes that element, the acknowledgement element, is skipped over where we specifically seek forgiveness
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: and we kind of skip over.
'Cause we've offended them. We are feeling embarrassed. So instead of stand there and say i'm a big fat jerk and not try to humor it, not try to make it okay. Not try to get them to like, oh no, you're fine. I love you again. Like, like just sit in the moment for one second. I am so sorry about what I said. That was not nice. That was rude. Whatever it is, and just acknowledge it. That's to me a huge form of gratitude. Not in not that it happened,
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: but that I could acknowledge that it happened , that it could then become an element that I'm working towards. I love the word strive 'cause that doesn't mean perfection.
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: I love the word like, so striving, I'm striving to be a better dad,
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: allows me the empathy towards myself. Hey, that was a, you're a big fat jerk, but the fact that you noticed it means that you're trying, the fact that you noticed it means that you're not just a big fat jerk going around doing big, fat jerk things.
'cause I don't wanna be that person and that person, that identity isn't who I am. And so if I don't stop and pause, right? And so for me, the journaling is where i'm like, huh? Like my mood is off. Something's like, what? What is it? What happened? Okay, let's replay the last like 20 minutes.
Let's replay the last three hours. Let's replay the last 24 hours. Was there any, oh, I remember my sweet 13-year-old came up to me and was trying to tell me something, but I was in the middle of finishing a project and when I get, like, I get radically focused on something
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: The interruption. I barked at her and I even, like, she asked if I wanted to go play Minecraft with her,
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: and I said yes, but I didn't say it in a nice way. I said something to the effect of like, of course I'd love to play Minecraft with you when I'm done doing what I'm doing, so go away.
Sue Campbell: Right.
Christoph Merrill: Ooh. Like. Not nice big, fat jerk.
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: So, so then okay, so what could I do? So, as awkward as this is on dad's work office, I have a little thing I hang on the door.
If
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: it's red, under threat of death. I mean, if you wanna be barked at. Come on in. And I have a daughter, I have a daughter who likes to, like, she likes to fight, like, oh, she's good. she'll, I mean, anytime it's red, it's like, she'll just,
Sue Campbell: I have.
Christoph Merrill: bingo let's go test all of my habits on dad, right? Because we know he's gonna fail, but he's gonna test us. Like, let's and most of the time it's yellow and yellow isn't, like, don't, it's just caution. I don't know where I'm at. I don't know, like. And then there are lots of times where like I and here's where for me I have to be very intentional about my time.
Sue Campbell: Mm-hmm.
Christoph Merrill: I have to not only put green on the door, but the problem is like the door kind of starts to get avoided because like it's been red for so long 'cause dad's like diving down a rabbit hole. So I have to remember to schedule time. Each of my daughters and my son and my wife regularly to go be green with them. What do they need? What do they wanna talk about? And oftentimes, like I have a daughter who's in at college and we started when she was younger a tea party, and we've had virtual tea parties, right?
Sue Campbell: Aww!
Christoph Merrill: And she opens up more in those moments than she does many of the times where I like intentionally like, take her out to dinner and, Hey, where do you want to go?
And we'll go wherever she wants to go and we don't chat
Sue Campbell: Yep.
Christoph Merrill: and then we eat and I'm awkward and I'm like, yeah, like how do I, like, I'm, you know, I'm like a dentist trying to pry a tooth out with no Novocaine. But yet other times, right? Like specific times that are set up all of a sudden like I get that one-on-one time that I know she needs and I need it more.
And then that creates like that awesome thing. But then I have to go back to gratitude.
Sue Campbell: Yes. That is beautiful.
Christoph Merrill: Thank you for setting aside that time to go be with me.
Sue Campbell: Yes.
Christoph Merrill: Because I loved it. Right. And again, notes and that kind of thing are like, like that's just, I'm very tactile. So like the feel of the paper the special graphite pen that I have, like all of that is like, you know, that big kind of thing that you probably haven't been able to see it, but I've been played with Play-Doh this
Sue Campbell: Oh, nice.
Christoph Merrill: It's a soothing technique for me so that I can like, you know, and so the, those little notes of. Very simple. Thank you for letting me take you to McDonald's last night and getting McFlurries, even though I hated mine. Like
Sue Campbell: Yeah.
Christoph Merrill: it, that doesn't matter.
Sue Campbell: Right.
Christoph Merrill: It's about so, so that journaling is, again, I come back to radical self-awareness.
Sue Campbell: Yeah. Yeah. That's really the one of the best tools, especially for writers, right, for that self-awareness. Like, what is going on with me when I'm writing? Why am I writing? When I'm not writing? Why am I not writing? And like really looking at that and getting to the habit of looking at that is so important.
Well, this has been absolutely delightful, Christoph. you so much. Do you wanna tell everybody what you have going on in the world where they can learn more about you?
Christoph Merrill: Sure. Easiest way to find me is Christoph. Yes. I'm frozen famous C-H-R-I-S-T-O-P-H Merrill, M-E-R-R-I-L l.com. Or you can find me at Habit Freak. Habit Freak is in a redesign right now, but if you go to it, it'll redirect you somewhere else. Most of the time I am speaking or talking to audiences or I have recently started doing podcasts 'cause it's fun to get asked questions I've never been asked.
So, Sue, thank you so much for like, thank you for like, not asking me the exact same, you know, 12 questions. I appreciate you like the directness and the focus. It means a lot and I got a lot out of this, so thank you so much.
Sue Campbell: I got a lot out of it too and I hope our audience did as well. Thank you so much Christoph, and we'd love to have you back anytime. Actually, we do a summit every fall called the Write Anyway Summit and I'd love to have you back for the summit.
Christoph Merrill: That would be awesome. I'd love to do that.
Sue Campbell: All right. Take care. Thank you.
Christoph Merrill: Bye-Bye.
Sue Campbell: Bye.
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And that's it for this episode of the Write Anyway Podcast. Thanks for joining us. We'll see you next time.